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![]() “Repairing ruptures is the most essential thing in parenting,” says UCLA neuropsychiatrist Dan Siegel, director of the Mindsight Institute and author of several books on interpersonal neurobiology. Put another way, if a caregiver met all of their child’s needs perfectly, it would actually get in the way of the child’s development. These small exposures to the micro-stress of unpleasant feelings, followed by the pleasant feelings that accompany repair, or coming back together, are what give them manageable practice in keeping their boat afloat when the waters are choppy. It is through these mismatches-in small, manageable doses-that babies, and later children, learn that the world does not track them perfectly. They’re important for growing children’s self-regulation, coping, and resilience. These mismatches and repairs are critical, Tronick explains. Cheeringly, even babies work toward repairs with their gazes, smiles, gestures, protests, and calls. The other 70%, they’re mismatched, out of synch, or making repairs and coming back together. Even in healthy, securely attached relationships, caregivers and babies are in sync only 30% of the time. (Attunement is a back-and-forth rhythm of interaction where partners share positive emotions.) They found that it’s surprisingly little. Researcher Ed Tronick, together with colleague Andrew Gianino, calculated how often infants and caregivers are attuned to each other. These moments also offer ample invitations to reconnect. ![]() With many families spending more time together than ever now, there are ample opportunities for tension and hurt feelings. Everything we know from developmental science and research on families suggests that rifts will happen-and what matters more is how you respond to them. Yet research shows that it’s not realistic, or possible, or even healthy to expect that our relationships will be harmonious all the time. ![]()
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